Uproar in the world of football this morning, as clod-jumping sheep-wrestler and one-time Glengormley Rovers stalwart stíobhart matulevicz controversially claimed that he would have captained the Irish national team for at least a decade —but for the colour of his underpants.
matulevicz, no stranger to controversy, made the allegations in an interview for the BBCs forthcoming “Has-Beens and Never-Weres” series.
“It was clear to me from the outset that there was institutional underpantism at play in the higher echelons of the Football Association of Ireland” he said.
matulevicz went on to argue that he was consistently overlooked for the position of team skipper in favour of lesser players, simply because their underpants were “whiter” than his.
“It’s true to say that I did tend to get a bit over-excited before a big game” he explained, “as a result of which I may have very occasionally spontaneously sprayed huge gouts of foetid smelling excrement into the insides of my ‘St. Michael Never-Stains’®. However this did not affect my playing ability a jot, nor my suitability to captain the side. The simple truth is that the ‘powers-that-be’ in Irish football did not want to see a brown arse leading out the side and rubbing cheeks with visiting dignitaries”
Matulevicz’s claims were quickly rubbished by FAI president Paddy McCaul who described them as ‘misguided’.
“I have corresponded with Mr. matulevicz several times over the years about this” explained Mr. McCaul, “and, over the course of that time, I have made it clear to him on numerous occasions that his non-selection for the captainship of the national team had nothing to do with the admittedly disgraceful state of his undergarments, but was entirely down to his total and utter lack of any footballing ability whatsoever”
When our reporter put these assertions to matulevicz at his home, the jug-eared moth-botherer dismissed them out of hand saying, “Paddy McCaul wouldn’t know a world class footballer if he tripped over him in the street. Watch this. I bet I can do twenty keepy-uppies!”
Mr. matulevicz then began to stumble around the room, clumsily kicking a football into the air several times and smashing a number of cheap looking ornaments.
Fearing for the safety of his recording equipment, our reporter chose to end the interview and withdraw, at this point. As he returned to his car, he was pursued by a clearly agitated looking matulevicz, holding out the football and shouting, “Come on. Three gets you in. Baggsy no nets!”