The Strife & Death of stíobhart matulevicz

Uproar in the world of football this morning, as clod-jumping sheep-wrestler and one-time Glengormley Rovers stalwart stíobhart matulevicz controversially claimed that he would have captained the Irish national team for at least a decade —but for the colour of his underpants.

matulevicz, no stranger to controversy, made the allegations in an interview for the BBCs forthcoming “Has-Beens and Never-Weres” series.

“It was clear to me from the outset that there was institutional underpantism at play in the higher echelons of the Football Association of Ireland” he said.

matulevicz went on to argue that he was consistently overlooked for the position of team skipper in favour of lesser players, simply because their underpants were “whiter” than his.

“It’s true to say that I did tend to get a bit over-excited before a big game” he explained, “as a result of which I may have very occasionally spontaneously sprayed huge gouts of foetid smelling excrement into the insides of my ‘St. Michael Never-Stains’®. However this did not affect my playing ability a jot, nor my suitability to captain the side. The simple truth is that the ‘powers-that-be’ in Irish football did not want to see a brown arse leading out the side and rubbing cheeks with visiting dignitaries”

Matulevicz’s claims were quickly rubbished by FAI president Paddy McCaul who described them as ‘misguided’.

“I have corresponded with Mr. matulevicz several times over the years about this” explained Mr. McCaul, “and, over the course of that time, I have made it clear to him on numerous occasions that his non-selection for the captainship of the national team had nothing to do with the admittedly disgraceful state of his undergarments, but was entirely down to his total and utter lack of any footballing ability whatsoever”

When our reporter put these assertions to matulevicz at his home, the jug-eared moth-botherer dismissed them out of hand saying, “Paddy McCaul wouldn’t know a world class footballer if he tripped over him in the street. Watch this. I bet I can do twenty keepy-uppies!”

Mr. matulevicz then began to stumble around the room, clumsily kicking a football into the air several times and smashing a number of cheap looking ornaments.

Fearing for the safety of his recording equipment, our reporter chose to end the interview and withdraw, at this point. As he returned to his car, he was pursued by a clearly agitated looking matulevicz, holding out the football and shouting, “Come on. Three gets you in. Baggsy no nets!”

The world of politics was stunned today to learn of the passing of former prime minister, Baroness stíobhart matulevicz. matulevicz, Britain’s first prime minister of undefineable gender suffered a stroke whilst undertaking his early morning exercise routine of drowning some kittens, whilst kicking a blind beggar.

As tributes began to pour in from world leaders across the globe, the social networks also began to respond, with the hashtag #ThankFuckThatCuntIsDead trending on Twitter within minutes of the announcement. In death, as in life, matulevicz proves to be a controversial figure:

Many on the left were quick to recall the soaring unemployment rates, privatisation of the armed forces and the introduction of the much-criticised Eyebrow Tax during his rule. An equal number of matulevicz’s supporters were equally vociferous in their championing of her legacy. Posting on Twitter, former prime minister Tony Blair wrote “#match dead. Boo-hoo. Taught me all I wanted to know about getting away with war-crimes. LOL!”, whilst socialite Lady Lucinda Fucquitte-Smythe tweeted “Sad news. He made Briton grate again”[sic].

On the Isle of Man which was devastated by a pre-emptive nuclear strike during the Manxlands War, which many see as a defining moment in matulevicz’s premiership, reactions were similarly divided. One resident told our reporter “We bleedin’ deserved it, didn’t we? Lookin’ at her in a funny way and that. Proudest day of my life it was, when my entire family was atomised to help his re-election campaign”. However another resident, manager of a small B&B in Laxey bemoaned the detrimental effect that reducing the island to a smouldering, charred lump of radioactive molten rubble had had on the tourist industry.

At the time of going to press it was still not certain whether or not matulevicz would be afforded a state funeral. The royal family is said to oppose the idea, with insiders reporting that The Queen considered matulevicz an “arse-head”. However senior members of parliament from across the political spectrum have signed an early day motion calling for matulevicz’s body to be covered in excrement and kicked through the streets of London, as a way of boosting the capital’s tourist industry in the post-Olympic lull.

After many months out of the media spotlight, failed J-pop entrepreneur stíobhart matulevicz returned to the front pages this week –although not in the way he would have wanted. The 74 year old former paralympic athlete was found dead on Monday morning, after apparently shooting himself twenty-seven times whilst drunk, in a case of mistaken identity. 

Detectives called to matulevicz’s multi-million pence cardboard box under the railway arches near Manchester’s Piccadilly station believe the jug-eared halfwit was “poncing” about in a stained and discarded bra he found near his hovel, when he suddenly caught sight of himself in a nearby puddle and opened fire, apparently mistaking his own reflection for that of the person of his estranged wife Griselda Muggwart, who he has previously accused of repeatedly trying to burgle his property.

Matulevicz rose to obscurity in recent years, after becoming the first mentally, physically and anally disabled athlete to run in the Olympic Games, where he represented Ireland in the 100m sprint. Nicknamed “The Bader Runner” because he runs slower than a man who’s had both legs shot off by the Luftwaffe, matulevicz set a personal best of 3 minutes and 45 seconds in the 100m heats but missed out on a place in the final, when he was disqualified, after being spotted alighting from a taxi cab near the finish line.

There was disappointment for fans of ‘people falling on their arse, while running about in silly shorts, with a sweaty face’ today, as no-hoper stíobhart matulevicz yet again crashed out of the Wimbledon championships in the first round.

Matulevicz’s 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 defeat came at the hands of his fellow countryman, Irish number one, Incompetence O’Trouser and surprised many pundits, given that O’Trouser died in a car crash, in February this year and consequently played most of the match from inside a coffin, buried at the side of No.1 Court.

At a press conference, after the match, matulevicz blamed his defeat on ‘global warming’ and the fact that his ‘bat didnae work properly’ and angrily rejected reporters’ suggestions that the fact he had been using a No.6 Iron golf club, in place of the more usual tennis racquet, to play the match, might have contributed to his early exit from the tournament.

Incompetence O’Trouser failed to attend the press conference, with his agent citing ‘personal reasons of a decompository nature’.

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Octogenarian pavement-pounding puritan, stíobhart matulevicz has had his latest legal action against Apple Inc. thrown out of court.

Matulevicz had sought an injunction, preventing the Cupertino, California based company from selling its newly launched iphone 4S within the European Union, claiming that Apple had infringed several of his “patented technologies”. However a panel of senior Judges, sitting at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg took less than fifteen seconds to dismiss the case and find for the defendants.

The judges described matulevicz’s claims to have invented “a prototype iphone styled device” back in 1974, using two baked beans cans connected together with a length of hairy string as “farcical”.

They likewise dismissed matulevicz’s claims to have pioneered the touch-screen interface by “drawing pictures with his tongue” on the window of the bus that used to ferry him to “The Lord Beavercheese school for Congenital Idiots”, in Belfast, also in the early 1970s, —describing that legal action as being unworthy even of comment, although one of the judges, was observed apparenty farting in matulevicz’s general direction, at this point during the summing up.

Speaking to reporters afterwards, matulevicz professed himself “disappointed” at the court’s decision and claimed that the legal system was “biased against the lone inventive genius and in favour of big business”. However he also expressed the hope that a forthcoming legal action against Google might enjoy a more favourable outcome,

"I invented searching for things back in 1972, when I lost a glove…", began the jug-eared imbecile, before being clubbed to the ground and kicked to death by Belgian Police officers —apparently at the request of the judges.

Renowned speed-skater and ‘describer-of-teacups’, stíobhart matulevicz has been embroiled in controversy once again. This time over his claims to have discovered a new sub-atomic particle, which appears to move faster than the speed of light. Matulevicz claims to have discovered the particle, which he has christened the “matuletron”, by accident last weekend.

Speaking to a gathering of the world’s top Quantum Physicists at the CERN laboratories near Geneva in Switzerland, matulevicz explained how he’d been looking for a ballpoint pen in his living-room but could not find one. He then went to the corner shop to buy a pen, but was unable to complete the purchase, due to “insufficient funds”. After a short altercation with the shopkeeper, during which blows and racial slurs were allegedly traded, matulevicz ran home crying —to find a similar ballpoint pen, lying underneath his armchair.

"I’ve ruled out every scientific possibilty I can think of to explain the phenomenon" matulevicz told the open-mouthed gathering "and the only logical conclusion I can draw is that the pen in the shop must somehow have been exposed to a beam of matuletrons, which caused it to travel back through time from the future —when I would have gone back, with the right money and bought it."

At this point the meeting broke up in chaos, as matulevicz’s customarily mild-mannered audience charged the stage and began beating him around the head with lengths of piping, torn from the Large Hadron Collider.

One outraged physicist, who wished to remain anonymous, told reporters that matulevicz’s theories were completely and utterly baseless. “In spite of matulevicz’s claims to the contrary, it is simply not possible to achieve timings of nanosecond accuracy by counting ‘one elephant.. two elephant…’, while running home from the local newsagents”, thundered the boffin, with his hair all sticking up.

Speaking through a medium, Albert Einstein remained sanguine about recent events in the world of particle physics, “So maybe we’ll find something faster than light…” he quipped, “…but I doubt we’ll ever discover anything slower than matulevicz!”

Former BritPop sensation and inventor of homogenised milk, stíobhart matulevicz has been eliminated in the first round of ITV’s popular “Pro-Celebrity Boxing” show. 

Matulevicz was paired with unfunny comedian Ronnie Corbett in a flabber-weight contest, scheduled for 12 rounds. However, referee Anne Widdecombe stopped the bout after twenty minutes, owing to matulevicz’s failure to make it into the ring. Ronnie Corbett was declared the winner by a technical knock-out and will meet ‘the one on the left’ out of Jedward, in the next round of the competition. 

Speaking afterwards, a clearly dejected matulevicz denied claims he had “chickened out” and said his failure to make it into the ring had been caused by a ‘wardrobe malfunction’. 

According to matulevicz, he had arranged a spectacular entrance: After being lowered into the ring inside a giant brown-paper bag, emblazoned with the slogan “Behold the Fists of Titanium!”, he would tear his way through the side of the bag, to the strains of the theme tune from “Rocky” and leap forward “roaring and bellowing” to confront his opponent. 

Unfortunately, things did not go according to plan, and matulevicz found himself unable to fight his way out of the paperbag, even after his seconds softened the material by dampening it with wet sponges. 

Amidst jeers and laughter from the assembled reporters, matulevicz claimed that the bag must have been made from “a special new futuristic type of paper” and, waving an effete, tiny girlish-looking fist in the air shouted “Do not… I repeat, do not.. incur my wrath!”, before hurrying from the press conference, apparently in tears.

A NATO spokesman confirmed this morning that air-strikes were carried out on stíobhart matulevicz, overnight. 

Matulevicz, 87 declared himself an independent planet in May of 2010 and was initially feted by world leaders; being allowed to clean the toilets at Buckingham Palace and given a biscuit by President Obama. However, relations with the west soured when US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton stated in March of this year that the US believed that matulevicz was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, including a pen-knife, a catapult and a pea-shooter made from a Bic pen with the refil removed. 

At that time, the US failed to get the UN to impose sanctions on matulevicz, with the Russian and Chinese delegations claiming that the Americans were primarily interested in securing access to the recently discovered oil deposits between matulevicz’s buttocks. A claim hotly denied by Mrs. Clinton. 

The crisis deepened early last week when Mrs. Clinton again returned to the offensive, this time accusing matulevicz of oppressing his own person. She cited ‘reliable sources’ claiming that matulevicz had deployed chemical weapons against his rebellious southern genitals and had used detention without trial and systematic torture to quell recent protests by his nipples, which had been calling for increased democracy. Mrs. Clinton warned that NATO would not stand idly by, if this continued. 

Matulevicz strongly disputed Mrs. Clinton’s view of events, appearing on state television to accuse his genitalia of being “the running dogs of capitalist jackals” and referring to his nipples as “terrorists and gangsters, in the pay of the Terran Empire”. He also promised NATO the “mother of all battles”, vowing that any aircraft venturing into matuleviczian airspace would be “swatted like flies” and that the matuleviczian people would “fight to the last drop of their blood” to defend their planet. 

According to NATO sources, one antiquated, propellor-driven biplane was used in last night’s air-strike. 

An eye-witness on the ground described how the NATO biplane circled overhead for a few minutes, before landing in a field beside matulevicz. The pilot, seemingly unaware who he was addressing, called out “Excuse me. Could you tell me…” whereupon matulevicz simultaneously defecated and urinated in his trousers, before throwing his hands in the air and shouting “I am president matulevicz. I wish to negotiate a surrender”.

Balding lothario, stíobhart matulevicz was declared bankrupt earlier today, after it was revealed that he had run up an unauthorised overdraft on his current account, which exceeded the GDP of the entire planet. 

Fraud Squad detectives, who have been investigating matulevicz’s finances are believed to be working on the theory that matulevicz ran up the collossal debt via an internet scam which went badly wrong. 

One officer, who wished to remain anonymous, told our reporter that he believed matulevicz had attempted to create a computer virus which would transfer insignificant amounts of money, which would probably not be noticed, from a large number of other peoples’ bank accounts into his own. However, the virus was so incompetently written that, instead, it began paying ten pence from matulevicz’s account into every other online bank account it encountered. Each of these transactions also incurred a further £20 penalty charge from matulevicz’s bank, as he had no agreed overdraft facility.

By the time Barclays Bank spotted the irregularities and froze matulevicz’s account, his overdraft stood at over eighty-seven hundred thousand trillion pounds and was incurring interest charges of nearly sixteen billion pounds every second. 

Speaking outside matulevicz’s bankruptcy hearing, Bank of England governor Sir Mervyn King described matulevicz as a “fucking tit-head” and said it was unlikely the world economy would ever recover from the damage. 

matulevicz himself hurried from the court without speaking to reporters, his head covered by a magazine, and promptly fell down an open manhole.