Matulevicz Risen

Consternation in the world of theology this morning as sightings were reported of recently deceased stíobhart matulevicz, apparently risen from the dead and dispensing justice with a fist like a steam-hammer.

Readers will recall that matulevicz was recently pronounced ‘seriously dead’ at the scene of an accident involving an industrial mangle —an incident referred to in certain sections of the press as ‘Knackers-Gate’. So his unexpected reappearance has led to heated debate in ecclesiastical circles.

Addressing a crowd of up to half a million people in St. Peter’s Square, The Pope referred to matulevicz’s ‘refusal to remain dead’ as ‘disturbing’, whilst the Archbishop of Canterbury, speaking at a hastily convened press conference in Lambeth Palace, began by saying that matulevicz’s unwelcome return reminded him of ‘The Parable of the Cheese and the Otters’, before breaking off in apparent confusion and calling for a bible with ‘big writing and pictures’ to be sent for.

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