Matulevicz Plunges to Death

Wiley former Snakes ‘n’ Ladders champion, stíobhart matulevicz has died after falling from his roof, while adjusting his television aerial.

Witnesses describe how matulevicz was on the roof with his trademark annoying Emu puppet, when he slipped and fell. One man, who wished to remain anonymous told our reporter that, after matulevicz lost his footing on a loose tile, the emu initially grabbed the TV aerial in its beak, saving matulevicz from plummeting off the roof. However there then ensued a tediously predictable exchange, wherein matulevicz repeatedly pleaded with the emu not to let go of the aerial, whilst the bird turned its head to the side a bit, curled its beak and looked sneaky.

Our eyewitness said he stopped watching at this point, as he was ‘so bored’ and returned home, where he later heard a loud thud and subsequently learned that matulevicz had ‘eventually’ fallen from the roof, when the emu had ‘eventually’ let go of the aerial.

Speaking from his hospital bed, a weak and barely conscious matulevicz professed himself ‘disappointed’ at having been killed again, ‘so soon after the last time’. He then made a courageously humorous remark about the accident but, unfortunately, it was so unfunny, our reporter couldn’t be bothered writing it down.

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