Matulevicz Drowning Shame

The world of deep-sea diving was rocked to its foundations this week, as news broke of the death of stíobhart matulevicz, pioneering inventor of the ‘tankless SCUBA’ technique. 

As the name suggests, tankless SCUBA eschews the traditional air cylinder, replacing this with a simplified ‘Internal Recirculation System’ whereby the diver’s breathing mask is attached to a length of tube, inserted into the rectum which, according to matulevicz, “provides all the air needed for an unlimited dive… although it disnae taste that great and tends to fill yer visor with green smoke”.

In spite of expert medical opinion and the warnings of experienced divers that the tankless SCUBA technique would not, indeed ‘could not’ work, matulevicz nonetheless stood by his invention and recently announced his intention to circumnavigate the globe, underwater, by bicycle. 

The attempted circumnavigation began at 07:00 this morning, on Brighton beach when matulevicz, after a breakfast of baked beans and fizzy lemonade, pedalled his Raleigh Twatmaster down to the shoreline and into the water, waving a valedictory thumbs up to watching reporters.  Matulevicz had estimated that his underwater circumnavigation would take ‘about a month or so, depending on the tides’, however his lifeless body was washed up on the shore less than five minutes later and barely ten feet from his starting position. 

Paramedics attempted to revive matulevicz, although none were prepared to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as his lips reportedly ‘stank of farts’, but their half-hearted efforts proved unsuccessful and matulevicz was pronounced dead at the scene from suspected methane poisoning. 

Matulevicz’s rusted and barnacle encrusted bicycle was later auctioned on eBay, raising 75 pence towards funeral expenses.

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