Matulevicz Convicted

Troubled wheelbarrow technician and former ‘Miss Glengormley 1925’, stíobhart matulevicz appeared in court this morning, charged with affray, following his arrest last weekend. 

In the early hours of Saturday morning, police were called to a gutter in central Manchester, where according to a spokesman they found ‘a white caucasian male, in his late seventies, apparently under the influence of alcohol, carrying out a sustained and vicious assault on himself’. 

One eye-witness, who wished to remain anonymous, told our reporter that matulevicz had himself in a headlock and was punching himself repeatedly in the face, before police arrived and managed to separate him from himself. 

Handing down a six-month suspended sentence, magistrate Brindsley Quives told matulevicz he was a ‘foolish, worthless cretin’ and cautioned him that he had only narrowly avoided a custodial sentence. Matulevicz remained impassive in the dock as sentence was passed, although his solicitor later claimed that this was because he did not understand what was going on. 

This is not the first time matulevicz’s drunken ‘self-fighting’ has landed him in trouble. In 1983 he was fined £100 and bound over to keep the peace, after breaking his own jaw in an unprovoked attack, because he felt that his reflection in a shop window was ‘looking at him in a funny way’.

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