Matulevicz Bankrupt

Sat 10 Sep 2011

Balding lothario, stíobhart matulevicz was declared bankrupt earlier today, after it was revealed that he had run up an unauthorised overdraft on his current account, which exceeded the GDP of the entire planet. 

Fraud Squad detectives, who have been investigating matulevicz’s finances are believed to be working on the theory that matulevicz ran up the colossal debt via an internet scam which went badly wrong. 

One officer, who wished to remain anonymous, told our reporter that he believed matulevicz had attempted to create a computer virus which would transfer insignificant amounts of money [which would hopefully not be noticed] from a large number of other peoples' bank accounts into his own. However, the virus was so incompetently written that, instead, it began paying ten pence from matulevicz’s account into every other online bank account it encountered. Each of these transactions also incurred a further £20 penalty charge from matulevicz’s bank, as he had no agreed overdraft facility.

By the time Barclays Bank spotted the irregularities and froze matulevicz’s account, his overdraft stood at over eighty-seven hundred thousand trillion pounds and was incurring interest charges of nearly sixteen billion pounds every second. 

Speaking outside matulevicz’s bankruptcy hearing, Bank of England governor Sir Mervyn King described matulevicz as a 'fucking tit-head' and said it was unlikely the world economy would ever recover from the damage. 

Matulevicz himself hurried from the court without speaking to reporters, his head covered by a magazine, and promptly fell down an open manhole.