Matulevicz –NATO Bombing Begins

A NATO spokesman confirmed this morning that air-strikes were carried out on stíobhart matulevicz, overnight. 

Matulevicz, 87 declared himself an independent planet in May of 2010 and was initially feted by world leaders; being allowed to clean the toilets at Buckingham Palace and given a biscuit by President Obama. However, relations with the west soured when US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton stated in March of this year that the US believed matulevicz was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, including a pen-knife, a catapult and a pea-shooter made from a Bic pen with the refill removed. 

At that time, the US failed to get the UN to impose sanctions on matulevicz, with the Russian and Chinese delegations claiming that the Americans were primarily interested in securing access to the recently discovered oil deposits between matulevicz’s buttocks. A claim hotly denied by Mrs. Clinton. 

The crisis deepened early last week when Mrs. Clinton again returned to the offensive, this time accusing matulevicz of oppressing his own person. She cited ‘reliable sources’ claiming that matulevicz had deployed chemical weapons against his rebellious southern genitals and had used detention without trial and systematic torture to quell recent protests by his nipples, which had been calling for increased democracy. Mrs. Clinton warned that NATO would not stand idly by, if this continued. 

Matulevicz strongly disputed Mrs. Clinton’s view of events, appearing on state television to accuse his genitalia of being ‘the running dogs of capitalist jackals’ and referring to his nipples as ‘terrorists and gangsters, in the pay of the Terran Empire’. He also promised NATO the ‘mother of all battles’, vowing that any aircraft venturing into matuleviczian airspace would be ‘swatted like flies’ and that the matuleviczian people would ‘fight to the last drop of their blood’ to defend their planet. 

According to NATO sources, one antiquated, propellor-driven biplane was used in last night’s air-strike. 

An eye-witness on the ground described how the NATO biplane circled overhead for a few minutes, before landing in a field beside matulevicz. The pilot, seemingly unaware who he was addressing, called out “Excuse me. Could you tell me…” whereupon matulevicz simultaneously defecated and urinated in his trousers, before throwing his hands in the air and shouting “I am president matulevicz. I wish to negotiate a surrender”.

Comments powered by Disqus