Matulevicz Corbett KO Chaos!

Sun 18 Sep 2011

Former BritPop sensation and inventor of homogenised milk, stíobhart matulevicz has been eliminated in the first round of ITV’s popular 'Pro-Celebrity Boxing' show. 

Matulevicz was paired with unfunny comedian Ronnie Corbett in a flabber-weight contest, scheduled for 12 rounds. However, referee Anne Widdecombe stopped the bout after twenty minutes, owing to matulevicz’s failure to make it into the ring. Ronnie Corbett was declared the winner by a technical knock-out and will meet 'the one on the left' out of Jedward, in the next round of the competition. 

Speaking afterwards, a clearly dejected matulevicz denied claims he had 'chickened out' and said his failure to make it into the ring had been caused by a 'wardrobe malfunction'. 

According to matulevicz, he had arranged a spectacular entrance: After being lowered into the ring inside a giant brown-paper bag, emblazoned with the slogan 'Behold the Fists of Titanium!', he would tear his way through the side of the bag, to the strains of the theme tune from 'Rocky' and leap forward 'roaring and bellowing' to confront his opponent. 

Unfortunately, things did not go according to plan, and matulevicz found himself unable to fight his way out of the paperbag, even after his seconds softened the material by dampening it with wet sponges. 

Amidst jeers and laughter from the assembled reporters, matulevicz claimed that the bag must have been made from 'a special new futuristic type of paper' and, waving an effete, tiny girlish-looking fist in the air shouted "Do not…​ I repeat, do not…​ incur my wrath!", before hurrying from the press conference, apparently in tears.