Matulevicz vs. Apple: Verdict!

Octogenarian pavement-pounding puritan, stíobhart matulevicz has had his latest legal action against Apple Inc. thrown out of court.

Matulevicz had sought an injunction, preventing the Cupertino, California based company from selling its newly launched iPhone 4S within the European Union, claiming that Apple had infringed several of his ‘patented technologies’. However a panel of senior Judges, sitting at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg took less than fifteen seconds to dismiss the case and find for the defendants.

The judges described matulevicz’s claims to have invented ‘a prototype iPhone styled device’ back in 1974, using two baked beans cans connected together with a length of hairy string as ‘farcical’.

They likewise dismissed matulevicz’s claims to have pioneered the touch-screen interface by ‘drawing pictures with his tongue’ on the window of the bus that used to ferry him to ‘The Lord Beavercheese School for Congenital Idiots’ in Belfast, also in the early 1970s —describing that legal action as being unworthy even of comment, although one of the judges, was observed apparenty farting in matulevicz’s general direction, at this point during the summing up.

Speaking to reporters afterwards, matulevicz professed himself ‘disappointed’ at the court’s decision and claimed that the legal system was ‘biased against the lone inventive genius and in favour of big business’. However he also expressed the hope that a forthcoming legal action against Google might enjoy a more favourable outcome.

“I invented searching for things back in 1972, when I lost a sock…”, began the jug-eared imbecile, before being clubbed to the ground and kicked to death by Belgian Police officers —apparently at the request of the judges.

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