Matulevicz Trousered at Tournament

There was disappointment for fans of ‘people falling on their arse, while running about in silly shorts, with a sweaty face’ today, as no-hoper stíobhart matulevicz yet again crashed out of the Wimbledon championships in the first round.

Matulevicz’s 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 defeat came at the hands of his fellow countryman, Irish number one, Incompetence O’Trouser and surprised many pundits, given that O’Trouser died in a car crash in February this year and consequently played most of the match from inside a coffin, buried at the side of No.1 Court.

At a press conference, after the match, matulevicz blamed his defeat on ‘global warming’ and the fact that his ‘bat didnae work properly’ and angrily rejected reporters’ suggestions that the fact he had been using a No.6 Iron golf club, in place of the more usual tennis racquet, to play the match, might have contributed to his early exit from the tournament.

Incompetence O’Trouser failed to attend the press conference, with his agent citing ‘personal reasons of a decompository nature’.

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