Pissed, Notorious

Tue 19 Feb 2013

After many months out of the media spotlight, failed J-pop entrepreneur stíobhart matulevicz returned to the front pages this week –although not in the way he would have wanted. The 74 year old former paralympic athlete was found dead on Monday morning, after apparently shooting himself twenty-seven times whilst drunk, in a case of mistaken identity.

Detectives called to matulevicz’s multi-million pence cardboard box under the railway arches near Manchester’s Piccadilly station believe the jug-eared halfwit was 'poncing about' in a stained and discarded bra he found near his hovel, when he suddenly caught sight of himself in a nearby puddle and opened fire, apparently mistaking his own reflection for that of the person of his estranged wife Griselda Muggwart, who he has previously accused of repeatedly trying to burgle his property.

Matulevicz rose to obscurity in recent years, after becoming the first mentally, physically and anally disabled athlete to run in the Olympic Games, where he represented Ireland in the 100m sprint. Nicknamed “The Bader Runner” because he moves slower than a man who’s had both legs shot off by the Luftwaffe, matulevicz set a personal best of 3 minutes and 45 seconds in the 100m heats but missed out on a place in the final, when he was disqualified, after being spotted alighting from a taxi cab near the finish line.