Baroness Matulevicz Dies

Tue 09 Apr 2013

The world of politics was stunned today to learn of the passing of former prime minister, Baroness stíobhart matulevicz.

Matulevicz, Britain’s first prime minister of undefineable gender suffered a stroke whilst undertaking his early morning exercise routine of drowning some kittens, whilst kicking a blind beggar.

As tributes began to pour in from world leaders across the globe, the social networks also began to respond, with the hashtag #ThankFuckThatCuntIsDead trending on Twitter within minutes of the announcement. In death, as in life, matulevicz proves to be a controversial figure:

Many on the left were quick to recall the soaring unemployment rates, privatisation of the armed forces and the introduction of the much-criticised Eyebrow Tax during his rule. An equal number of matulevicz’s supporters were equally vociferous in their championing of her legacy. Posting on Twitter, former prime minister Tony Blair wrote “#Match dead. Boo-hoo. Taught me all I wanted to know about getting away with war-crimes. LOL!”, whilst socialite Lady Lucinda Fucquitte-Smythe tweeted “Sad news. He made Briton grate again” [sic].

On the Isle of Man, which was devastated by a pre-emptive nuclear strike during the Manxlands War, which many see as a defining moment in matulevicz’s premiership, reactions were similarly divided. One resident told our reporter “We bleedin’ deserved it, didn’t we? Lookin’ at her in a funny way and that. Proudest day of my life it was, when my entire family was atomised to help his re-election campaign”. However another resident, manager of a small B&B in Laxey bemoaned the detrimental effect that reducing the island to a smouldering, charred lump of radioactive molten rubble had had on the tourist industry.

At the time of going to press it was still not certain whether or not matulevicz would be afforded a state funeral. The Royal Family is said to oppose the idea, with insiders reporting that The Queen considered matulevicz an 'arse-head'. However senior members of parliament from across the political spectrum have signed an early day motion calling for matulevicz’s body to be covered in excrement and kicked through the streets of London, as a way of boosting the capital’s tourist industry in the post-Olympic lull.