"The frequently fatal carryings-on of everyone's favourite fuckwitt!"
Sat 10 Oct 2015
As Harpic-huffing hipster stíobhart matulevicz, 96 prepared to give the keynote address at his party’s poorly attended "Forward to a matulevicz Past" conference this morning, the leader columns of the press continued to fill with revelations about what has become known as the 'Oink-Gate Affair'.
In his recently published unauthorised autobiography of the snaggle-toothed balloon, "Call Me Fuckwitt", matulevicz’s former colleague Lord Ashcroft claimed that, while a pupil at the Lord Beavercheese School for Congenital Idiots in Belfast in the 1920s, matulevicz had taken part in a bizarre initiation ceremony into the Pissed on Gaviscon Society, during which he put a 'shrivelled part of his anatomy' into a dead pig’s mouth.... [
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Thu 06 Mar 2014
Uproar in the world of football this morning, as clod-jumping sheep-wrestler and one-time Glengormley Rovers stalwart stíobhart matulevicz controversially claimed that he would have captained the Irish national team for at least a decade —but for the colour of his underpants.
Matulevicz, no stranger to controversy, made the allegations in an interview for the BBCs forthcoming 'Has-Beens and Never-Weres' series.
“It was clear to me from the outset that there was institutional underpantism at play in the higher echelons of the Football Association of Ireland” he said.... [
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Tue 09 Apr 2013
The world of politics was stunned today to learn of the passing of former prime minister, Baroness stíobhart matulevicz.
Matulevicz, Britain’s first prime minister of undefineable gender suffered a stroke whilst undertaking his early morning exercise routine of drowning some kittens, whilst kicking a blind beggar.
As tributes began to pour in from world leaders across the globe, the social networks also began to respond, with the hashtag #ThankFuckThatCuntIsDead trending on Twitter within minutes of the announcement.... [
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Tue 19 Feb 2013
After many months out of the media spotlight, failed J-pop entrepreneur stíobhart matulevicz returned to the front pages this week –although not in the way he would have wanted. The 74 year old former paralympic athlete was found dead on Monday morning, after apparently shooting himself twenty-seven times whilst drunk, in a case of mistaken identity.
Detectives called to matulevicz’s multi-million pence cardboard box under the railway arches near Manchester’s Piccadilly station believe the jug-eared halfwit was 'poncing about' in a stained and discarded bra he found near his hovel, when he suddenly caught sight of himself in a nearby puddle and opened fire, apparently mistaking his own reflection for that of the person of his estranged wife Griselda Muggwart, who he has previously accused of repeatedly trying to burgle his property.... [
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Mon 09 Jul 2012
There was disappointment for fans of ‘people falling on their arse, while running about in silly shorts, with a sweaty face’ today, as no-hoper stíobhart matulevicz yet again crashed out of the Wimbledon championships in the first round.
Matulevicz’s 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 defeat came at the hands of his fellow countryman, Irish number one, Incompetence O’Trouser and surprised many pundits, given that O’Trouser died in a car crash in February this year and consequently played most of the match from inside a coffin, buried at the side of No.... [
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Wed 18 Jan 2012
██ ████ matulevicz ██ ████ is ████ ██ ████ ██ well ██████ ██ ██████ love ██ ████ your ██ ████ ██ government ████ ██... [
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Wed 05 Oct 2011
Octogenarian pavement-pounding puritan, stíobhart matulevicz has had his latest legal action against Apple Inc. thrown out of court.
Matulevicz had sought an injunction, preventing the Cupertino, California based company from selling its newly launched iPhone 4S within the European Union, claiming that Apple had infringed several of his 'patented technologies'. However a panel of senior Judges, sitting at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg took less than fifteen seconds to dismiss the case and find for the defendants.... [
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Wed 05 Oct 2011
Renowned speed-skater and 'describer-of-teacups', stíobhart matulevicz has been embroiled in controversy once again. This time over his claims to have discovered a new sub-atomic particle, which appears to move faster than the speed of light. Matulevicz claims to have discovered the particle, which he has christened 'The Matuletron', by accident last weekend.
Speaking to a gathering of the world’s top Quantum Physicists at the CERN laboratories near Geneva in Switzerland, matulevicz explained how he’d been looking for a ballpoint pen in his living-room but could not find one.... [
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Sun 18 Sep 2011
Former BritPop sensation and inventor of homogenised milk, stíobhart matulevicz has been eliminated in the first round of ITV’s popular 'Pro-Celebrity Boxing' show. Matulevicz was paired with unfunny comedian Ronnie Corbett in a flabber-weight contest, scheduled for 12 rounds. However, referee Anne Widdecombe stopped the bout after twenty minutes, owing to matulevicz’s failure to make it into the ring. Ronnie Corbett was declared the winner by a technical knock-out and will meet 'the one on the left' out of Jedward, in the next round of the competition.... [
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Sun 11 Sep 2011
A NATO spokesman confirmed this morning that air-strikes were carried out on stíobhart matulevicz, overnight. Matulevicz, 87 declared himself an independent planet in May of 2010 and was initially feted by world leaders; being allowed to clean the toilets at Buckingham Palace and given a biscuit by President Obama. However, relations with the west soured when US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton stated in March of this year that the US believed matulevicz was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, including a pen-knife, a catapult and a pea-shooter made from a Bic pen with the refill removed.... [
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Sat 10 Sep 2011
Balding lothario, stíobhart matulevicz was declared bankrupt earlier today, after it was revealed that he had run up an unauthorised overdraft on his current account, which exceeded the GDP of the entire planet. Fraud Squad detectives, who have been investigating matulevicz’s finances are believed to be working on the theory that matulevicz ran up the colossal debt via an internet scam which went badly wrong. One officer, who wished to remain anonymous, told our reporter that he believed matulevicz had attempted to create a computer virus which would transfer insignificant amounts of money [which would hopefully not be noticed] from a large number of other peoples' bank accounts into his own.... [
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Wed 07 Sep 2011
Troubled wheelbarrow technician and former 'Miss Glengormley 1925', stíobhart matulevicz appeared in court this morning, charged with affray, following his arrest last weekend. In the early hours of Saturday morning, police were called to a gutter in central Manchester, where according to a spokesman they found 'a white caucasian male, in his late seventies, apparently under the influence of alcohol, carrying out a sustained and vicious assault on himself'. One eye-witness, who wished to remain anonymous, told our reporter that matulevicz had himself in a headlock and was punching himself repeatedly in the face, before police arrived and managed to separate him from himself.... [
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Sun 04 Sep 2011
The world of deep-sea diving was rocked to its foundations this week, as news broke of the death of stíobhart matulevicz, pioneering inventor of the 'tankless SCUBA' technique. As the name suggests, tankless SCUBA eschews the traditional air cylinder, replacing this with a simplified 'Internal Recirculation System' whereby the diver’s breathing mask is attached to a length of tube, inserted into the rectum which, according to matulevicz, "provides all the air needed for an unlimited dive… although it disnae taste that great and tends to fill yer visor with green smoke".... [
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Sat 03 Sep 2011
Wiley former Snakes 'n' Ladders champion, stíobhart matulevicz has died after falling from his roof, while adjusting his television aerial.
Witnesses describe how matulevicz was on the roof with his trademark annoying Emu puppet, when he slipped and fell. One man, who wished to remain anonymous told our reporter that, after matulevicz lost his footing on a loose tile, the emu initially grabbed the TV aerial in its beak, saving matulevicz from plummeting off the roof.... [
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Thu 01 Sep 2011
The US town of Moosejaw Creek, Arkansas has unveiled a life-sized sculpture of the town’s most famous son; renowned walrus juggler, stíobhart matulevicz.
At a glitzy ceremony in Moosejaw Creek’s Main Street, Mayor Shukster Q Huckenburger unveiled the statue, whilst a band of teenagers, dressed in garish pseudo-Napoleonic uniforms [the girls waving tinsel pom-poms] marched past playing an irritatingly up-tempo funeral march.
The statue, carved from a 6 tonne block of compressed effluent from the town’s sewage works, stands over 8 feet tall and depicts matulevicz in customary pose; scratching his arse, whilst looking around gormlessly, with his mouth hanging open.... [
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Mon 29 Aug 2011
Consternation in the world of theology this morning as sightings were reported of recently deceased stíobhart matulevicz, apparently risen from the dead and dispensing justice with a fist like a steam-hammer.
Readers will recall that matulevicz was recently pronounced 'seriously dead' at the scene of an accident involving an industrial mangle —an incident referred to in certain sections of the press as 'Knackers-Gate'. So his unexpected reappearance has led to heated debate in ecclesiastical circles.... [
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Thu 25 Aug 2011
The death was announced today of veteran peace campaigner, stíobhart matulevicz.
Matulevicz, 73, was involved in an a accident with a steam-powered industrial mangle whilst holidaying in the exclusive English seaside resort of Stockport.
It is believed that matulevicz was attempting to use the mangle to iron out a small wrinkle in his foreskin, when the accident happened. Eyewitnesses describe seeing a large albatross-like bird, alighting on the control lever of the mangle, just as matulevicz approached the machine with outstretched penis —thus causing the lever to move from 'Slow' to 'Fast' like in a cartoon.... [
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